This may officially be the worst day of my life. 8:22 pm July 4th, 2007. Sitting in one of the comfy chairs in terminal D at the Calgary Airport where I can see people outside of the security area through the glass. I can’t help but look back to see where my family has gone. Every two minutes I catch myself looking back to see if they have waited for me; Waiting for me to bail out of this so called “adventure.” “This may have been the worst decision of my life;” A common statement that I can’t erase from my mind. At least the conversations have ended. I am so tired; tired of talking, of conversing about this trip; this…….thing. It has become its own entity. And through this transition, the purpose of “this thing” has become lost. I get so distracted that I don’t see my own faults for what they are. My faults surrounding this mission are selfish. This trip has become about me; and I hate that. “Forward education” has become words. Why does the purpose, the grace, the love, and the passion for what’s those words mean become completely ignored.
Selfishness has become a tool that has enabled me to ignore God through this time. God has becoming nothing through this process. I am so frustrated, scared, upset, and angry that I have selfishly decided that God is the root of these issues. Therefore, I feel he won’t be there to help me through these anxieties. It’s time to end the selfishness; it’s time to come to God. Now is the time for action; now is the time for God to work through me. I keep telling people that I am so upset because I am uprooting my life. What I need to understand is that I’m not uprooting it; I’m just putting it on hold. No. Wait……… that doesn’t make sense either. This trip is my life; I’m just transitioning to another part of it. And yet, I’m still so scared. That emotion will be here for a while. The tears are still coming.
To conclude, I want to let you know that you will all become familiar with the lyrics of a man by the name of Dallas Green; A musician who I can’t stop listening too. As a few of my friends are aware, one of his lines has captured my feelings about this trip perfectly and I continue to bring it up time and time again in a variety of situations.
“Behind this emotion is a sensible heart”
As my writing’s of this journey continue, there will undoubtedly be many stories full of anger, hate, and frustration. Please remember Mr. Green’s words throughout those moments.
They have just announced the first few rows to board the plane. Here we go……………………
5 comments:
Dan...Take every moment for what it is, be present to everyone around you and most importantly ENJOY yourself. Me, along with many others are praying for so lean on that support when you need it.
God Bless you.
Lauren
Hey Dan really glad to see you are going in spite of the second thoughts, preconcetpions, misconceptions, and all of the tensions that are involved in this kind of move. hey would an adventure be an adventure if everything was known?
don't worry too much about your feelings of selfishness in this next step. invariably we all feel them as we realise that this incredible opportunity is very much for us as well, i suppose i consider that the grace of God to place desires in our heart alongside the willingness to engage in this ... i wish more were as selfish as you ...
anyways, i am very sorry i was unable to connect with you before you left town. it was a crazy time, and i was heading out to Vancouver Island myself as you were leaving ... i suppose we will have to hook up in S Africa at some point perhaps
Hi Danno, (its Becky)
I drove home from camp and expected to see your car parked out front; of course it wasn't there!
I read your blog and it was neat to see the honesty of your feelings. As harsh and hard as they seem at least we know things can only get better right?
I'm sure once you're there things will look exponentially better and you'll regain prespective of why God wants you there.
I feel selfish too Danno, because I think of how sad I am to not have you here, but then I remind myself that Africa needs you more, and thats exactly why God has given you the Africa bug and why you simply can't stay away!
stay inspired brother! I pray for you every day and can't stop thinking about the impact you're making on people's lives.
Love you! High Five!
hey dan,
glad you made it okay with all the bumps, detours and road block along the way. i am praying for you daily (along with many others as lauren said). take care of yourself and smile.
blessings, jilly
p.s. as if you can't smile after reading what your sis said, "high five" so hilarious!
Hi Dan
Uncle Conrad have been away for a couple of weeks but thinking of you lots and praying for you and your loved ones (in Canada and right there) I am glad you are sharing your strength and encouragement with these dear people. I will be praying for M especially. Your words are very profound, "we are either infected or affected". God Bless you Dan
Love Aunty Joy
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